thank you/hate you

you were so big even though you were little big i was just little little i get that now

you were frantic over the soft spot in my skull like “mom don’t take her outside! her fontanelle!”

you taught me peanut butter and jelly then i sang it in grandma’s closet on loop but you never said stop just watched and smiled

your skin was gold your limbs stretched bright meanwhile my face was a fluorescent white moon and i wanted to orbit you forever

i needed you a 10 and later when the fighting got bad i thought all my organs would explode

you needed me an 11 which i didn’t know til you started screaming til you never stopped til i saw how blue your veins were in the hospital

on Yom Kippur you called me Hamas demanded ATONE spat that your kids forgot who aunty was

it didn’t start with us it definitely won’t end

but maybe we’ll do zoom therapy anyway with your therapist because that’s the only way you’ll do it i should ask a friend to sit out of view so after they can remind me about reality