Pick Me

I recently learned the term “Pick Me Girl”

And if you don’t know what that is, get on TikTok

At first it was nice to see this concept 

In recognized Internet vernacular 

But then I found it insufficiently descriptive 

In the same way that it’s not super helpful 

To blanket-categorize the motivations of

Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy…

Where do I even start?

How about the cis-gendered straight woman 

Weirdly interested in discussing other women’s boobs, etc

She’ll say her favorite movie is “Don’s Plum”

She’s giving high school incel/loser

Who recently assumed some low level social cachet

But is still over eager to have friends, let alone male friends

Let’s call her New Money of Clout 

There’s always a beta woman who looks up to her

Docile and slow, a gentle cow who loves to be herded

She’ll blow you off for NMoC

But she doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings

She’s so embarrassed about her priorities

That she hasn’t yet admitted them to herself

She’s likable and tragic

Let’s call her Uncle Tom of Women

There’s Ms. “I just don’t have female friends” …

Ms. “Feminists are whiny losers”...

The “do-gooder” who tries to fix you up

With her insufferable male friend…

The “sympathetic ear” who’s there

To commiserate about your “crazy” ass

With the insufferable male friend 

For not fucking him…

Or for fucking him and then pointing out some obvious bullshit…

There’s Karla Homolka…

There’s the Louisiana school teacher

Who puts her husband’s jizz

In students’ cupcakes…

I don’t think we need a word for her